If you’re on vacation somewhere strange and looking for a place to eat, typically you’ll just stop at the first location you see that looks good. That said, restaurants have mere seconds as you drive by them to try to draw you in and therefor need to do anything they can to attract your attention. Gaudy paint job, unusual decor, or double entendre name with toeing the line sexual connotations are the typical ways to go, the latter being one of the most successful ways. Hooters, Salty Dick’s, Gonorrhea: The Restaurant, all places that could have caught my eye and sucked me in, but no. Today it way “I Got Your Crabs” that took my fancy, particularly because I felt bad for giving them crabs*.

It was that time again. The stars were right, as were the nachos. Yes, it was the biyearly H. P. Lovecraft festival NecronomiCon taking place in Providence RI, which means it was also the unofficial spinoff NachoProviCon once more. You know, the event where I go to Providence for the H. P. Lovecraft conference and then simultaneously try nachos all over town because going to talks all day isn’t enough for me to deal with. You know how it goes.

This year however was special, in that the first day of the event happened to fall on Lovecraft’s 125 birthday. I mean, he’s not 125 years old, he died way back in the 30’s, but if he was alive and would be 125 years old, and probably still as much a racist as ever. As a ceremonial start to this event I wisely chose the starting place for all my trips to Rhode Island, Spike’s Junkyard Dogs. Only I got nachos in addition to a hot dog because #NachoProviCon #yolo #blessed. They were as good as they were two years ago when I last reviewed them, but you don’t go to Providence and NOT stop at Spike’s, so I went again.

After that came the ceremonial convention opening at the First Baptist Church of America, just like last time I came down here, and like last time it was disgustingly hot because believe it or not a place built in 1638 doesn’t have the best AC. That, combined with a cast of characters the most of which could use some pointers on their personal hygiene, as the writer of Wrong Turn 6: Last Resort and executive producer of Firequake, Frank H. Woodward, who happened to be sitting next to me, said “Man, it’s getting rank in here.” He was telling no lies.

A bunch of awesome and prominent characters in the Lovecraft literary community got up and said their welcome piece, and yet again another Providence mayor couldn’t be bothered to show up, or wanted to distance himself from a notoriously racist author, and had their lackey come. All this was about what one would expect in a conference about a dead writer, but suddenly through the crown came a mad procession of chittering cephalopodial humanoids causing me to fear for my life and wish I was in the relative safety of my usual Snake Fight Church instead!

Turns out they were just pimping their Big Nazo band show that evening and left in peace, causing me to wonder what kind of fresh hell it must be to have to tromp around in this incredible hot and humid weather and humidity in a large rubber suits. I suppose that’s the kind of job you love no matter what the circumstances or weather you find yourself performing your Cthulhu cult chants in. But all these mobile squids got my hunger rising, and it was a hunger only nachos could fix.

LUXE BURGER BAR

Believe it or not, for a burger bar they actually had two different kinds of nachos, a tuna one and the Cadillac nacho. Guess which one I got? If you guessed Cadillac, you are correct.

After having to wait around to be seated because the woman before me was flipping her shit because LUXE couldn’t find her reservation after she called and made it and then called back to confirm and was told again that it was made, I was finally seated and was able to order my nachos. They quickly arrived and were tall.

Hand cut tortilla chips, Hereford chili, Monterey jack cheese, jalapeños, sour cream, salsa, guacamole

Were they as good as they were tall? Meh, more as disappointing as they were tall. The flavor was lacking across the board and for a place that looks like it should have burgers down pat the ground beef in their chili was also sub par. What was super impressive however is that they were layered as such as that not a single chip was lacking a heaping helping of toppings. That takes some skill for a nacho order of that size, but they pulled off. Now pull it off with toppings that are jaw droppingly delicious and I’ll be back for more, but not a second earlier.

After dinner was a stroll over to the opening night party featuring the drinking of Lovecraft beers and eating of meaty meats in the remains of what looked like a bombed out building that was repaired only enough to turn it partially into a parking lot.

So beers were drunk, sadly no polymeats were eaten as I was so full of nachos, the Call of Cthulhu film was screened, then Big Nazo did whatever the hell it is they do in a band setting and laid down the funk with some songs about hot dogs fighting lobster rolls and a Necronomicon anthem.

It was truly a great opening day. Except for having to stay up late writing all this up with a belly full of ‘chos when all I want to do is sleep. The things I do for you people.