This is how a heart attack happens. Contributing factors, such as poor diet (Don’t eat nachos every day) and smoking (Don’t smoke nachos every day), cause a buildup of vulnerable atherosclerotic plaque in the arteries, leading to an occlusion of the coronary artery which ultimately results in an ischemia that will create an infarction of the myocardium. In layman’s terms, don’t eat greasy nachos, but, that being said, you can make an exception...
Nestled in the sleepy Connecticut hamlet of Wallingford, Archie (Named after founder Archibald Moore) Moore’s Bar and Restaurant is an aptly named good ol’ down home bar and restaurant. One of several Archie Moore’s in the area, they are known for both being in business since 1898 and for their wings, available in both their famous buffalo and probably some other flavor that nobody cares about, because when buffalo is an option, there are no others. As fitting for a restaurant of their caliber they have a few types of nachos (Regular, Grande, Buffalo, and Pulled Pork), but like their wings, when one of the options is buffalo, there are no others.
Now nobody would say that nachos are healthy by any stretch of the imagination, but the foolishness of thinking that Archie’s buffalo nachos could possibly be even remotely so is beyond the pale. Willingly consuming something consisting largely of melted cheese, sour cream and blue cheese is the equivalent of putting a million dollar bounty out on your heart. If it could crawl out of your ribcage to escape it should, but at a minimum it should at least scream “SCREW YOU!” and strangle itself with your arteries. Fortunately you can get a half order of these bad boys, which is good because they are the greasiest nachos I have ever eaten / had slide down my throat on a friction free coat of oil. As gross as this sounds, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing.
There’s no doubt that these are a terrible thing for your heart, no way of getting around that, but what they are not terrible for are your taste buds. They are delicious, but delicious in a way that you feel guilty about eating them and you aren’t able to meet your eyes in the mirror when you go to the bathroom afterwards to attempt to wash the grease from your hands. Normally when I see a pulled pork option for nachos I’ll automatically order that, but the rarer buffalo variety trumps that any day. BE WARNED! Their secret patented buffalo sauce is a delight, but that combined with the jalapeno juice and salsa creates a hellish broth that will destroy the guts’ of lesser humans without cast iron stomachs. Sadly the nachos are very topping sparse which doesn’t really do much to negate this burn, even with the addition of the containers of sour cream and blue cheese. WARNING ENDS. Also they should but more toppings on their nachos because that would make them better in general.
The best way to consume these would be the hangover tinged morning after a hard night of the hard drinking of hard liquor when you need that grease in order to sort yourself out, or if you suffer from ichthyosis and need more oil in your diet to soothe your scaly skin. If you’ve ever wondered how overweight people feel when they shamefully look at themselves in the mirror after eating a whole tub of ice cream or bag of Doritos, eat a full order of these and you will, but in a good way where you probably won’t hate yourself afterwards. They’re a pleasure as greasy as they are guilty, but if you can handle the shame and heartburn, they’re totally worth it.