Remember back when I said “So, 5000+ miles, or 8046.72+ kilometers, from Mexico, nachos can still be pretty damn tasty. I’m sure this will be reflected across all the other nachos I would eat during the rest of my London trip, right? Right? Right?” Well as I learned on my second tangle with the nachos of London, not necessarily so much.
Back in 2012 London hosted the Summer Olympics, and afterwards said “Whoa dude, what we gonna do with all this all this space now that there’s not an Olympics going on?” The answer, put up a mall. Or maybe the mall came first so the people going to the Olympics would have someplace to shop at? I don’t know, but there is currently a mall close to where the Olympics used to be. Like most malls it has stores and shops, movie theaters and bowling alleys, and of course a food court. All the amenities of home, but in another country. Now that’s First World traveling!
Plus you have this thing to look at and inspire you, which is slightly better than the moving blood sponge piece that the artist did.
Now at this food court you can sample foods from the world over, but realistically all you will want to try is Tortilla Real California Burritos & Tacos, because you’re a real nacho loving trooper and why would you want anything else? Their signature dish, the Nachos Queso, is available with several meat toppings from Grilled Chicken and Steak to Barbacoa and Carnitas, the last of which I was sold on due to it being “Red tractor pork, slow-cooked for hours until fall-apart tender.” While I had no clue what “Red tractor pork” was, I did like me the sound of the rest of the words in the description that I understood and ordered away.
Thus began the construction of the nachos in front of me, an act which was probably the most disgusting nacho construction I have ever witnessed. It began with throwing a few chips in a bowl, a normal enough a way to start making nachos as any, but that’s when the first ladle of the thinnest of cheese sauce was poured upon them. If Canadians harvested cheese trees rather than maple trees to produce the world’s finest cheese syrup, this stuff would be it. As the bile in my throat rose with the fear than I was going to end up with the wateriest order of nachos I have ever eaten, they began adding more chips and toppings resulting in something closer to regular nachos, even finishing it off with a ladle of a second cheese sauce, this one with a more regular viscosity.
The results, a mix of high and low class. You can see that the British are trying to class up the dish of nachos, however they’re doubling down on the gross concession cheese sauce. It’s like the magnification of the best and worst parts of nachos combined into one meal, ultimately resulting in something that was passable, until you got through the top layer of toppings and down to the cheese broth below, and then things went out the window.
Out the window right into the loo.
That’s the toilet in British.
So only eat half of these and you will be better off, which sadly skews my overall “Good London Nachos” to 1.5 out of 2. CAN THIS CURSE OF 75% QUALITY NACHOS, UNDOUBTEDLY CAST UPON GEORGE WASHINGTON BY THE QUEEN, BE LIFTED?!?! We will find out in the stunning conclusion to RULE CHIPTANIA!
