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The Business of Nachos
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The Business of Nachos

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Essay: Guy Fieri, more like "Why Fieri?" Trashcan Nachos

March 5, 2015 Derek Sotak
Guy Fieri carries the physical manifestation of the albatross representing the quality of his work across the stage. (Food Network)

Guy Fieri carries the physical manifestation of the albatross representing the quality of his work across the stage. (Food Network)

This week an event shocked the nacho world with the magnitude of the 1906 San Francisco Earthquake (7.8), that being that human troll doll Guy Fieri made nachos in a trashcan. Granted, fewer people died at this event, but the level of horror and the cost in human spirit is equal, if not greater to the Californian disaster. It goes without saying that the damage to nachos was of course much, much worse.

In 1987 American Artist Andres Serrano released a photograph entitled Immersion (Piss Christ) featuring a small crucifix in a jar of his own urine. Believe it or not, there were quite a few people less than thrilled by the image of their lord and savior submerged in a jar of piss, even in the name of art. Possibly in spite of the name of art.

Am I comparing throwing nachos into a trashcan and calling it culinary art the equivalent of drowning an icon of the King of Kings in human effluence? Yes, yes I am. However I do also believe in the freedom of speech that protects things such as this that people might find offensive. So while I can't agree with it, I do have to respect its right to exist as "art" in the world. As much as a spectacle as this meal was designed to be, you do have to call it art.

Art? (Food Network)

Art? (Food Network)

What we have here is just Guy Fieri being Guy Fieri, which is unsurprising considering the Guy Fiering of the food world. Next will come someone making nachos in dumpster or coffin, then inside one of those cows with the holes in their side that go straight into their stomach, and finally a reenactment of the Alexis St. Martin stomach experiments, but with a nacho centric twist. Nachos will always be an easy target of goofs like this with their ease of mass production and scalability as well as their appeal, but we just have to hope that a culinary Christo will bury a town in them or something equally classically artistic on a large scale to raise their quality. Until that time though it will sadly continue to be a dark age of bleached hair and goatees...

You don't make a drawing that encapsulates both the existential horror of both Edvard Munch's The Scream AND Guy Fieri and not use it as much as you can.

You don't make a drawing that encapsulates both the existential horror of both Edvard Munch's The Scream AND Guy Fieri and not use it as much as you can.


In 2015 Tags Essay
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Nachonomics: ('na-cho-'na-miks)

noun. The branch of knowledge concerned with the production, consumption, and distribution of nachos.

Book: Complete Nacho Knowledge Book: Complete Nacho Knowledge
Book: Complete Nacho Knowledge
$20.00

A copy of "The Field Guide to Nachos", "Nachos & You", and "Recipes from the Nachonomicon". This is literally and literately all the nacho knowledge you will ever require.

The Field Guide to Nachos, a pocket sized reference to the history, types, and background of the greatest of Mexican delicacies.

  • READ... The true story of how Ignacio Anaya created "The Nacho" in 1943.

  • LEARN... How nachos moved from Mexico and spread across America like shredded cheese melting across a pile of chips.

  • KNOW... the real difference between natural cheese versus pasteurized processed cheese product. It's terrifying.

  • DIFFERENTIATE... between kinds of popular nachos that are to be found in our modern restaurants.

Nachos & You, a pocket sized manual on, well, living your life the nacho way.

  • READ... The "true" story of how Gentleman Frank Liberto (Not to be confused with the upstanding Frank Liberto of Rico's or the Frank Liberto of Martin Luther King Jr. assassination infamy) created "The Nacho" in 1976. I say "true" because it is an obvious satire and parody.

  • LEARN... To pickle your own jalapenos for varying degrees of “fun” and “profit”, but more importantly bragging rights on being more artisinal than your friends.

  • KNOW... The science of creating nachos with circular chips as opposed to triangular chips and when to use each so as to not cause embarrassing cultural faux pas.

  • EXPERIENCE... The terror of “Nacho Fingers”, and the joy of curing yourself of them to avoid being ostracized by the community at large.

Recipes from the Nachonomicon, a pocket sized cookbook of all the finest types of nachos from throughout the ages, all now easily available at your fingertips.

  • READ... The History of the Nachonomicon and how it became the blueprint for all the nachos you know and love today!

  • LEARN... How to cook the finest examples of each member of the nacho family from "Artisanal" to "Single Serving." (There's no general type of nacho that begins with "Z" so that's as good as it gets alphabet wise, and I wouldn't want to trick you into thinking there was a type of called "ZBBQ Nachos" or something.)

  • KNOW... The joy that comes of making you, or a loved one, a delicious meal of nachos that will both satiate your hunger and allow you to know the true satisfaction of being able to provide the sustenance to keep a human being alive.

  • TASTE... Nachos, and lots of them, once you make them of course.

With these three books, you can feel secure in the knowledge that you'll be able to give a T.E.D. talk on every single aspect of nachos. Probably closer to three T.E.D. talks as a matter of fact! Do they even let you do that? I don't know, but with nacho knowledge like yours you will undoubtedly be the first!

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