I am a human. A human who likes, nay, loves, nachos. This makes me the best kind of human around, one with a good taste in things that taste good. Listen, I could type you out a history of the nacho, how Ignacio Anaya created them back in 1943 to appease some ravenous ladies who descended on his restaurant, how the food came to the US and became all the rage, but that’s all stuff you can read on wikipedia and I’ll probably bring up in essays later. The number one thing that matters is that nachos are delicious. Whether you are young or old, famous or infamous, proletariat or bourgeoisie, grotesque or arabesque, nachos are the food for you and your loved ones.
This is my license. There are many like it but this one is mine.
So why should I be the one to write about nachos? Well is this on your license plate? Don’t give me any excuses about how it would be if you had a car, if you cared about nachos as much as me you’d buy a car just to get this plate. When I picked it up at the DMV the angry lady behind the counter actually smiled when she gave it to me. A DMV employee smiling. Nachos truly do make miracles come true.
But I digress, here is my nacho resume. I’ve been eating nachos since I was a small child. I’ve eaten nachos in a dozen countries on four continents. When you were writing essays on relevant things in class, I was writing ones specifically to work in nachos, or H. P. Lovecraft, and still somehow managed to get excellent grades on them.
As big a racist as Lovecraft was, even he would have enjoyed nachos.
I’ve fought with restaurant managers over trying to get a nacho banner they had displayed outside. I’ve questioned waitress upon waitress as to whether their nachos were a good pile of chips or just four artfully arranged ones on a plate. If I had one tattoo, it would be Ralph Fiennes’ tattoo from Red Dragon, but if I had a second body, I’d get a nacho one on that.
And I’m not alone. I’m Hannibal Smith and I’ve got a crack team of nacho experts at my fingertips because Hannibal’s on the jazz. Between us we’ve got over 75 years of nacho experience, twenty of them from our Mr. T alone and we’re all guilty of crimes we didn’t commit. Crimes against nachos of course.
Perhaps you aren't familiar with Mr. T Geyser Nachos.
So is my daredevil team of nacho experts with nothing to lose and I worthy of your reading? I’m going to say yes, but of course I’m biased. You be your own judge, but I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.