Disney World has always been a land, nay, a world of magic and mystery. A place of magical enchantment built to bring joy and smiles to the faces of children and be the embodiment of their cartoon dreams. A place of mystery as we will never truly know how many people have died on the property thanks to their incredible power over the Florida law and health systems. Both are interesting, but what if they could combine magic, mystery, and, running the alliterative steak, nachos?
There’s been a video going around about a secret nacho challenge located at Pecos Bill Tall Tale Inn and Cafe, and I am all for it as it combines two of my favorite things, nachos and eating challenges. Disney is no stranger to secrets throughout the park, from the secret suite in Cinderella’s Castle, to the basketball court hidden in the Matterhorn, and of course the infamous Club 33. There’s even the secret bunker containing Walt Disney’s cryogenically frozen head, but who cares about those if you just want nachos? Good thing imaginary old western guy Pecos Bill has you, the sophisticated nacho lover, covered. Just watch the video.
There’s a lot going on here. Let’s break it down:
- There is zero mention that Pecos Bill died by laughing himself to death when he saw a man wearing a gatorskin cowboy outfit. This is an important detail in getting across the idea that life is finite and you should eat nachos while you can and not including it removes the only real lesson that can be learned by this experience. The lesson that nachos are amazing is known going into this.
- The nachos can only be ordered during a certain time frame, 3 to 6, and are not listed on any menu. I can only hope that if anyone tries to order these during any other time of day the cast member will only look at them quizzically and state, “Why sir or madam, we haven’t served nachos here in more than 50 years…” Sadly however I would guess that the person just explains to the hapless customers the rules and the magic and mystery are gone, but this is crazy Disney, so who knows!
- It arrives in a covered wagon! Not a real covered wagon, just a rolling tray made to look like a covered wagon. Seriously Disney, you aren’t one to half ass things, yet this is what you’re going with? How much harder would it be to make a working miniature covered wagon to put it in? Now I’m not asking that they be pulled by horses or oxen or anything, but come on, put some effort into it.
- While it costing $90 and feeding 8 to 10 people is mentioned there doesn’t seem to be any other details about what it consists of or what it weighs. If we compare it to Mt. Nacheesmo, previously the record holder of largest publicly available order of nachos, that costs $50, feeds 4 or 5, and weighs about 5lbs. From this we could guess that the Nachos Rio Grande is probably about 8 to 10 lbs of nachos. The toppings are still a mystery, but from the videos it looks to be chicken or ground beef, cheese, guac, sour cream, jalapenos, banana peppers, pico de gallo, and lettuce. Are there beans in there? Do you have to options to select a different meat? Who can say?
- You get a whole VIP experience show and tour to go along with it! This hands down beats Mt. Nacheesmo as there is no show there other than some guy walking over to you every now and then asking how things are going. THEY’RE GOING FINE GUY, AS FINE AS I CAN BE AS I SHOVEL 5 LBS OF NACHOS INTO MY MOUTH AS FAST AS I CAN THANK YOU! Granted, this is an overly cheery group of Disney employees show, so if that’s your thing you’re in luck. If it isn’t and you’re just a guy who likes eating and writing about nachos but isn’t onboard for the whole cheery cult aspect thing you better cross your fingers that you happen to get the low energy employee that day, if such a thing exists there.
- What exactly is the competition? Do you not get the hat and badge and diploma if you can’t finish it off? It doesn’t appear to be explained anywhere, and also pretty low stakes. A better prize would be that if you don’t finish it you get kicked out of the park and barred for a certain period of time, really put some skin in the game. Some kind of public embarrassment is definitely needed.
- The video ends ominously with the statement that they’re not sure how long these secret nachos will last, so you better go to Disney right this second if you want to give them a try. It may already be too late though, you have no way to tell. Well, I’m sure there is some place online for die hard Disney fans that could tell you, I just don’t roll in those circles so I personally could not. Most of the videos showing the competition were shot back in February of 2017 but have only reached public consciousness in July of 2017. Whether the February date is when they started the nacho event or just when people first started noticing them is unclear, so it may already be too late now…
While not the first secret nachos at Disney, these are definitely presented with the most fanfare, and if you are splitting them between 10 people being able to eat a meal for $9 a person is a huge deal when considering amusement park prices. If you’re an annual passholder you can even get 20% off the order, which I’m sure totally makes up for the crazy price an annual pass runs you, $779 currently, plus tax. If you include the cost of traveling by car or plane to the park, plus lodging as well, these will probably be the most expensive order of nachos you ever order.
Sadly if you’re like most Americans and don’t have $99 for the absolutely cheapest ticket during off time plus the $90 for the nachos, feel free to watch the whole event here. You won’t be able to taste them, but imagine they taste like saving between $189, only spicier. You also won’t have to swear that you won’t spit in front of women and children, so sometimes you do win in life.