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Essay: Waffle Chips and Ice Cream are not Nachos

September 7, 2012 Nachonomics
Photo via FOODBEAST, a creature that I would hunt wearing a Victorian era pith helmet.

Photo via FOODBEAST, a creature that I would hunt wearing a Victorian era pith helmet.

They’re not flat out calling them “Ice Cream Nachos”, which is good because they are not that in the least. I’ve seen ice cream nachos, and they are delicious, but constructed in a nacho fashion. For chips you’ve got waffle cone chips, cookies, or sopapillas. For cheese there’s chocolate syrup or a heavy cream. For all the rest of the toppings there is ice cream and all the rest of the ice cream family of toppings. THAT is a delicious order of ice cream nachos.

THIS is a pile of ice cream and some chips on the side. If you order a pile of chips with nacho toppings on the side, that’s not nachos, that’s chips and nacho dip. If their slogan was “Think Chips and Dip - Only ‘Cooler’,” then I’d have no problem, but they’re cashing in on the common misconception that anything involving something that could be described as a chip with something that could go on top of it is nachos. For trickery like that that I say, and I quote, “For shame Baskin-Robbins, for shame.”

BTW, for something you’re sure as hell never going to see on a regular order of nachos, here’s the ingredient list for Waffle Chip Dippers. Chips, cheese, jalapenos, those are all the ingredients you need, not this nonsense:

Vanilla Soft Serve: Nonfat Milk, Sugar, Cream, Whey Powder, Stabilizer/Emulsifier Blend (Mono and Diglycerides, Cellulose Gel, Cellulose Gum, Locust Bean Gum, Carrageenan), Vanilla Extract, Vitamin A Palmitate; Brownie Chips: Sugar, Eggs, Soybean Oil, Wheat Flour, Invert Sugar, Cocoa processed with alkali, Water, Contains less than 2%: Natural and Artificial Flavor, Salt, Leavening (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Baking Soda, Monocalcium Phosphate), Nonfat Milk, Corn Starch; Waffle Chips: Mix [Enriched Bleached Wheat Flour (Enriched with Niacin, Reduced Iron, Thiamin Mononitrate, Riboflavin, Folic Acid), Sugar, Vegetable Shortening (Partially Hydrogenated Soybean and Cottonseed Oils), Dextrose, Whole Egg, Artificial Flavor (Including Maltodextrin, Modified Food Starch, Butter, Buttermilk), Soy Lecithin], Cinnamon; Snickers® Bar Pieces*: Milk Chocolate (Sugar, Cocoa Butter, Chocolate, Lactose, Skim Milk, Milk Fat, Soy Lecithin, Artificial Flavor), Peanuts, Corn Syrup, Sugar, Skim Milk, Butter, Milkfat, Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil, Lactose, Salt, Egg Whites, Artificial Flavor; M&M's® Candies**: Milk Chocolate (Sugar, Chocolate, Skim Milk, Cocoa Butter, Lactose, Milk Fat, Soy Lecithin, Salt, Artificial Flavors), Sugar, Cornstarch, Less Than 1% of the following: Corn Syrup, Dextrin, Coloring (Includes Blue 1 Lake, Red 40 Lake, Yellow 6, Yellow 5, Red 40, Blue 1, Blue 2 Lake, Yellow 6 Lake, Yellow 5 Lake, Blue 2), Gum Acacia; Chocolate Syrup: Corn Syrup, Water, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Sugar, Cocoa processed with alkali, Less than 2% of: Caramel Color, Potassium Sorbate (Preservative), Natural and Artificial Flavor, Xanthan Gum, Carrageenan. *Snickers® Bar may contain almonds. **M&M's® Candies may contain peanuts.

In 2012 Tags Essay
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Nachonomics: ('na-cho-'na-miks)

noun. The branch of knowledge concerned with the production, consumption, and distribution of nachos.

Book: Complete Nacho Knowledge Book: Complete Nacho Knowledge
Book: Complete Nacho Knowledge
$20.00

A copy of "The Field Guide to Nachos", "Nachos & You", and "Recipes from the Nachonomicon". This is literally and literately all the nacho knowledge you will ever require.

The Field Guide to Nachos, a pocket sized reference to the history, types, and background of the greatest of Mexican delicacies.

  • READ... The true story of how Ignacio Anaya created "The Nacho" in 1943.

  • LEARN... How nachos moved from Mexico and spread across America like shredded cheese melting across a pile of chips.

  • KNOW... the real difference between natural cheese versus pasteurized processed cheese product. It's terrifying.

  • DIFFERENTIATE... between kinds of popular nachos that are to be found in our modern restaurants.

Nachos & You, a pocket sized manual on, well, living your life the nacho way.

  • READ... The "true" story of how Gentleman Frank Liberto (Not to be confused with the upstanding Frank Liberto of Rico's or the Frank Liberto of Martin Luther King Jr. assassination infamy) created "The Nacho" in 1976. I say "true" because it is an obvious satire and parody.

  • LEARN... To pickle your own jalapenos for varying degrees of “fun” and “profit”, but more importantly bragging rights on being more artisinal than your friends.

  • KNOW... The science of creating nachos with circular chips as opposed to triangular chips and when to use each so as to not cause embarrassing cultural faux pas.

  • EXPERIENCE... The terror of “Nacho Fingers”, and the joy of curing yourself of them to avoid being ostracized by the community at large.

Recipes from the Nachonomicon, a pocket sized cookbook of all the finest types of nachos from throughout the ages, all now easily available at your fingertips.

  • READ... The History of the Nachonomicon and how it became the blueprint for all the nachos you know and love today!

  • LEARN... How to cook the finest examples of each member of the nacho family from "Artisanal" to "Single Serving." (There's no general type of nacho that begins with "Z" so that's as good as it gets alphabet wise, and I wouldn't want to trick you into thinking there was a type of called "ZBBQ Nachos" or something.)

  • KNOW... The joy that comes of making you, or a loved one, a delicious meal of nachos that will both satiate your hunger and allow you to know the true satisfaction of being able to provide the sustenance to keep a human being alive.

  • TASTE... Nachos, and lots of them, once you make them of course.

With these three books, you can feel secure in the knowledge that you'll be able to give a T.E.D. talk on every single aspect of nachos. Probably closer to three T.E.D. talks as a matter of fact! Do they even let you do that? I don't know, but with nacho knowledge like yours you will undoubtedly be the first!

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