Review: Rockafellas

March 25, 2019 Nachonomics

Tri-color Tortilla Chips, Cheddar Jack Cheese, Jalapenos, Black Olives, Pico De Gallo, Sour Cream, Pulled Pork, Guacamole

In America’s second spookiest town after Silent Hill, across the street from the statue of Elizabeth Montgomery riding a broom, lies the famous Daniel Low Building. Formerly a church, the building became a department store in 1874 and became famous for their souvenir “Witch Spoons”. Sadly though, one cannot stay in business on spoons alone, especially if you’re not a spoon specific store, and Daniel Low & Co eventually closed its doors. These same doors (maybe they replaced the doors, idk) were later reopened as Rockafellas, “A PREMIER CASUAL RESTAURANT IN HISTORIC DOWNTOWN SALEM, MA WITH SUPERIOR FOOD, DRINKS, ENTERTAINMENT AND SERVICE.” And also Nachos Rockafellas, which are not to be confused with Nachos Rockefeller, which are a play on Oysters Rockefeller that probably doesn’t exist. Oh, and also THE HELLTINI.

Review: Paqui Haunted Ghost Pepper Chips

March 15, 2019 Nachonomics

A few weeks ago we examined the relative spiciness of the new “Flamin’ Hot Nacho Doritos” and how they were, while not “spicy” spicy, definitely more spicy than anything else you would find in a grocery store. Apparently the grocery store heard me and said, “hold my beer” as I now have to reexamine that statement while a new contender enters the ring. Enter an even spicier chip, one laced with the spookiest pepper on earth, the ghost pepper. Actually these chips are even spookier because not only are they ghost pepper chips, they are Haunted Ghost Pepper Chips.

Review: Lakeside Bar & Grill

March 5, 2019 Nachonomics

Tortilla Chips, Melted Cheese, Diced Tomatoes, Black Olives, Jalapeños, Sour Cream, Salsa, Guacamole, Chicken, Chili

We’ve all got that one restaurant in town. You know the one I’m talking about, it seems like it’s been there forever, it always looks like it’s busy, and yet neither you or anyone you know has ever been there? Your town undoubtedly has one, or even several, places like these, and one day you might even go there. I sure did, because if I hadn’t none of this intro would have been related to the review for Lakeside Bar & Grill, and have to say that I certainly got some nachos.

Review: Flamin' Hot Nacho Doritos

February 25, 2019 Nachonomics

The problem with mainstream companies trying to make a so-hot-it-will-kill-you food is that it cannot actually be as hot as advertised lest it scare off the masses; Wendy’s short lived Ghost Pepper Fries for example. Those were smothered in a “ghost pepper sauce” that was entirely edible for regular folk, but was a real disappointment for the true kwisatz haderach spice heads looking to burn holes in their palette. If they had gone with a sauce that unleashed the true power of ghost peppers their restaurant dining rooms would be full of corpses with fiery holes in their throats, which is why they went with a more Scoville unit friendly interpretation of the food. With disappointments like that I fully expected “Flamin’ Hot Nacho Doritos” to just be flavorful, but ultimately nothing to write home about. But…

2019 Obligatory Valentine's Day Nachos

February 14, 2019 Nachonomics

What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me, but love is like an order of nachos. Many a poet over many a year has tried to compare love to many a thing, from vegetation to minerals to animals. ALL ARE INCORRECT. Love is nachos or it is nothing. Why? It has a firm, crunchy foundation. If there is not the proper amount of cheese, you screwed it up. Every now and then you get a really spicy bit. You can keep going back for more and more and it’s never enough. Sometimes beans and cilantro get stuck in your teeth. It’s better if covered in guacamole. Don’t go looking for it at a 7-11. Anyhow, I think you know what I’m getting at here, so just copy-paste the above into a Valentine’s card and you’ll be all set for the year with your lover, guarenteed.